I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I FOUND THE LEGS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
