Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
