stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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