You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
