yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize