im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
