hotel room ftw
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
