my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize