He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
