I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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