Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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