Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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