Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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