why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
