He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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