Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
