i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
