When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
