Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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