I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
