i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
