Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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