remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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