My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
