After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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