just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
