shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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