After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
