I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
