So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you had me at cake vodka
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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