I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
