you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
