Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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