doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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