I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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