im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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