when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
