So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
