She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
