I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
