I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
