i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
