My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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