Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
