oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
