come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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