I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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