Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
