i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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