I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He better not be in your backpack
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
