my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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