She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
