ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
