can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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