Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
