I think I won the penis lottery.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
