I just saw a hot homeless man
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
