I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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