My liver just broke up with me...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
