worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
