I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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