when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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