How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize