I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
